Adventures in Jasper & Emmett Land
by HerNameWasApril
Summary: What Happens When Jasper & Emmett Are Left Alone While the Rest of the Cullens Hunt? Only Insanity Can Ensue. Rated T For Mild Cursing, Murder, and Plain Old Insanity. Characters are Majorly OOC & Keep In Mind This Was Written By a Sugar-High 13 Year Old
1. Fun With Dr Cullen's Drugs

**Welcome to My Fan Fic! This is Definitely the Longest One I've Written so Far.  
So Yeah, I Really Don't Have Much to Say Except....  
Jasper: *Sigh* April Doesn't Any Twilight or Anything Related Blah Blah Blah.  
You're so Enthusiastic, Jazzy.  
Jasper: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN PUT THROUGH.  
Calm Down. Calm Down.  
Onto the Story :D

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**

"Goodbye!" Emmett and I called in sync as the rest of our family scattered off into the woods to hunt. We had gone hunting yesterday so today could be brotherly bonding day. But Edward's too busy stalking Bella. Dammit, Edward, either kill that whore already or I'll have to do it. I couldn't tell if I should be grinning or grimacing at that thought. Killing that worthless girl would be doing a huge favor to the whole planet but I don't think I want to put my mouth anywhere near her. Yuck.

Everyone thought I just didn't like being near Bella because she tempted me too much, but honestly that girl was just such a bitch. No matter how long I thought about it, I couldn't understand how my lovely Alice could be best friends with something like that. I was totally on Rose's side on the whole "Bella Issue" as we liked to call it.

Emmett's booming voice took me out of my thoughts. "Alright, so now that everyone's gone, what do we do?" I shrugged, still thinking about killing Bella, and Emmett pouted. I swear he was like an 8-year-old stuck in a 20-year-old's body. Which is really strange because he's a 93-year-old stuck in a 20-year-old's body. I guess some people, or in this case, vampires, never grow up.

When I looked up again I noticed Emmett was gone. Never a good sign. "Emmett?" I called. "Em? Where are you? Please don't tell me you're playing hide & go seek cuz that'd just be putting your immaturity over the top."

Instead of looking for him I decided to try finding him by sensing his emotions. As I walked around the house I was suddenly struck with a huge wave of excitement. And it was coming from the bathroom. Oh god… Did I really want to go check on what was making Emmett excited in the bathroom?

"Emmett?" I tried again outside the door, really not wanting to go in. But he didn't answer me so I had no choice. I through the door open, only to find my brother standing at the medicine cabinet. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Carlisle's gone," he answered matter-of-factly.

"So?" I urged.

"Yes! Jackpot!" Emmett yelled as he clutched a white bottle in his hand.

"Em, what are you doing?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"I'm raiding Carlisle's drugs! It's time for some fun!" Oh yes, I was definitely afraid of the answer. Normal Emmett was bad enough, but an Emmett hyped up on drugs? That could only end badly.

"Emmett, put down the drugs!" I ordered going into my military mode, which was almost always necessary when dealing with Emmett.

"No!" he yelled and ran out of the room. My god, must he always be so difficult?! I starting chasing him downstairs and smirked, even though Emmett was stronger, I was faster. I ran as fast as I could and was catching up to him quickly.

"You have no chance, Em!" I yelled, taunting him. But, when I looked in front of me, it was too late to stop. Emmett had moved the couch in front of the door way to block me off. I growled, he wasn't as dumb as he looked.

Pushing the couch out of the way, I couldn't the chase, but it ended when I saw him curled up in a corner, shaking slightly. My horrors were confirmed when I saw an empty bottle rolling down the tile.

He looked as if he were a bomb, just waiting to be set off. I carefully approached my brother, as if any swift movement would ignite the dynamite. "Em?" I said softly. He needed respond so I shook him slightly. He closed his eyes and everything went limp. Oh god. There was no way he could be dead. Well, technically he was already dead but, _dead_ dead. Only fire could do that!

"Emmett," I tried once more. Suddenly, he shot up like a firecracker. There was a crazed look in his eyes, and I'm not afraid to admit that I was honestly scared of Emmett at that moment.

"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaazzy," he said like a drunken idiot, which he probably was, "Let's go have some fun."

I backed away, though there was no escape, "No, I'd rather not."

"Aw, come on, Jazz. Live a little," Emmett said as he crept closer.

"We're dead."

"Live up the dead life, what's the point of being immortal if you don't have a little fun with it?"

"Really, Em, I'd rather not," I said trying to push him away, but Emmett's strength was too much. I looked down at the bottle to see exactly what he had taken. Steroids and that drug you take when you're schizophrenic. This is going to be a fun night…

_**15 Minutes Later**_

"Don't we look gorgeous, Jasper?" Emmett said as he posed in front of the mirror.

"Y-yes," I stuttered afraid of what he would do if I said no. You do not wanna mess with someone who's hyped up on steroids and multiple personality meds.

Not only had Emmett dragged me up to Alice's room but he raided her closet and put two of her favorite dresses on us. My wife may be tiny, but you really did not want to mess with her clothes. I think Emmett and I are going to die tonight.

He continued posing in Alice's royal blue sequined dress, while I just sat on our bed in her layered magenta one. That dress really showed off his muscles… Stop it, Jasper, stop it! Emmett blew a kiss to the mirror, while I cringed, before he turned around with a look of horror on his face. Oh god, _please_ don't tell me they're home!

"What is it!?" I asked in panic.

"How can we be having a fashion show with no makeup or accessories!? Or shoes!? Go get some NOW!"

There was no way I was going to argue with insane Emmett so I quickly zipped around the room finding everything. _Please understand, Alice, I didn't have a choice._ Oh no. I stopped dead in my tracks. Alice, had probably seen this.

My suspicions were confirmed as I looked over to the windowsill to see Edward and Bella watching us with cameras in their hands.

My mouth fell open and I immediately grabbed the blanket off our bed to try and cover myself up. The two climbed into the room and couldn't stop laughing.

"Alice called and said Emmett was planning on doing something pretty stupid. So I figured I should stop by and check up on things. Enjoying how Emmett's muscles look in that dress, Jazz?"

I growled as fiercely as a man could while in a pink dress when Emmett turned around. I didn't even have to see the look on Emmett's face because I could tell by the look on Edward's that he was pissed.

But, before anyone could say anything Alice and Rosalie burst into the room. The amount of anger coming off of Alice and Rose was unbelievable.

"What the hell!?" they both yelled at the same time, but suddenly I felt anger coming from another person. It wasn't Emmett… The answer came through the door the next second.

"Who the heck took all of my medications!?" I don't think I've seen Carlisle that angry since Emmett ran around the ER screaming 'I've been bitten! I've been bitten!'

Our fatherly figure looked straight past Emmett, who I thought would be a prime target for taking the drugs. But, instead he glared right at Bella. "You stinking good for nothing, pot-head!" he yelled as he lunged at her. Emmett got a good grasp on Edward and Carlisle proceeded to throw Bella out the window.

We all stared at him with mixed emotions coming from everyone. A few seconds went by before we all yelled out, "Yay!"

Everyone felt relief and happiness at the human's death, though I was confused.

The drugs wore off on Emmett during the adrenaline rush of seeing Bella die, and he looked at me first, silently asking why I was happy. "Never liked that whore."

Then Rosalie, "That slut would go to bed with Mike Newton if he had as much cash as us."

Then Carlisle and Esme, "Gold digger," they replied at the same time.

Then Alice, "She was planning on throwing a party and not inviting me, so I'm glad she died."

Finally, we all looked to Edward, "I had to find some stupid slut to have sex with me so everyone would stop calling me the 107-year-old virgin."

We all nodded and started laughing uncontrollably. I'm surprised Alice was able to forget about the dresses, but none the less grateful.

But, just as Emmett and I were about to go change the window came crashing in. And who else could it be but, Charlie Swan, Chief of Fork's Police.

"You two are under arrest!" he yelled at us. Before we could ask why we were handcuffed and taken to the cop car. We couldn't break out of them or we'd be exposed so we were taken to jail. Emmett and I got stuck in a jail cell wearing dresses.

As we lay there in our private cell, still hand cuffed, wondering why the hell no one from our family came to bail us out yet when Emmett turned to me and said, "Great bonding, huh, Bro?"

I sighed, "Great, Emmett. Just great."

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**Well That's the End! Sorry For the Craptastic Ending, But I Really Couldn't Think of Anything Else.  
Please Tell Me What You Think!  
Please Please PLEASE REVIEW!  
Just Tell Me if You Think it's Good or Not, That's All I Ask For :D  
Alright, Bye Bye!**


	2. Fun With Small Animals

**Welcome Back to the Adventures in Jasper & Emmett Land :D  
This Story Has Gotten More Reviews Than My Other 2 Fan Fics Combined & in Only 1 Day!  
Thank All of You Guys so so Much!  
I Have a Treat For All My Reviewers in the Story!  
But You'll Have to Read & See!  
Now For the Disclaimer  
Jasper: Why Do I Always Get This Job!?  
Cuz...  
Jasper: *Sigh* She Doesn't Own Twilight Just Her Own Insanity  
You Know You Love it!  
BTW Bella is Going to Die in Every Chapter, so She Keeps Coming to Life For All of Our Amusements.****  
Onto the Story :D**

"Bye bye, everyone!" Emmett said as he pushed everyone out the door. I really don't know how we ended up alone in the mansion again. Did anyone learn anything from last time!? "Jasper, let's do something random."

"As long as it doesn't involve drugs," I said forcefully.

Emmett whined, "But that's no fun." I sent him a glare and he stopped his whining. A few moments of silence went by before I could feel waves of mischief coming off of him.

"Em, what're you planning?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing, Jazzy-bear."

I growled, "Can you not call me that idiotic nickname of your's?"

"No can do, Jazzy-bear," he repeated in a sing-song voice.

"Call me that one more time, Emmy-kins."

Emmett's eyes were glowing with the thought of a challenge. He looked me right in the eye and spoke very carefully, "Jaz-zy-bear."

I snarled fiercely and Emmett just sat like a perfect angel with that "innocent" look of his.

"Just get out of the house Em, I don't care what you do." He grinned happily but before he ran out the door I decided to add, "And don't get arrested!"

He glanced over at me to give me a pout before racing out the door. I sighed as I lay down on the couch with a Civil War novel. Must I always be the sophisticated one?

Sighing, I closed my book and looked over to the clock. It was almost 5 o' clock. Emmett's been gone for 4 hours. That can't be good. Worried, I ran to the garage only to find that Emmett's jeep was gone and my motorcycle had been painted neon pink with rainbows and unicorns decorating it. Emmett, you are so freaking dead. Worse than dead. I am going to take you apart, burn the pieces, dump your ashes in the river, filter the water in that river, and then dump that water off of a cheap cruise ship in Australia.

That's right, you do _not_ want to get Jasper mad. And my brother is going to learn that lesson the hard way. I whipped out my sleek black cell phone (Just like how my motorcycle USED to be) and angrily called speed dial #5.

Pick up the damn phone, Emmett… I need to verbally abuse you right now… Come on…

_Yo! You've reached Emmett's phone! I don't know why you're calling me considering that little piece of paper called a restraining order is still in effect… I'm just kidding! Or am I? Imagine me doing shifty-eyes right now. Oh, you're not imagining it. I know you're not. You better imagine it or I'm not calling you back. … … … … Good job! Well, leave your message after the amazing sound I like to call a beep. Hold on! This recording is almost 2 minutes long! Wait… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Bye! *Beep*_

I growled once again, dang I've been doing that a lot. "Emmett, get your freaking ass home this instant." I slammed the phone shut and jammed it into my pocket before walking upstairs into my room angrily.

A few minutes later I heard the door open and a bunch of strange noises. Immediately, I ran downstairs and my mouth fell open at the sight. Emmett was sitting in the living room covered with a bunch of rabbits… and 1 chinchilla.

"Emmett, what the hell did you do!?"

"Say hello to my army of vampire rabbits! And vampire chinchilla!" I shook my head in disbelief, how could anyone be that stupid!?

"Well, say goodbye to your army of vampire rabbits," I told him, annoyed.

"And vampire chinchilla!" he corrected.

"Whatever," I scoffed as I started picking up some of the vampire bunnies that were biting at me.

"Stop!" Emmett yelled grabbing the bunnies, "Don't touch **Denise, Roxie, Robyn, **and **Adela**!"

"You named them?" He shook his head violently. "Emmett, you cannot have an army of vampire bunnies AND vampire chinchilla."

He clutched the chinchilla to his chest, "You're not taking **Jackie**! She's my favorite!" Emmett held the furry animal close to him and started kissing it.

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to go "Aw" or look away disgusted. I sighed and looked at the other rabbits, deciding I would rather hear their names then watch Emmett make out with **Jackie** any longer.

"Well, that's Fluffy 1, Fluffy 2, Fluffy 3, Fluffy 4-"

_10 Minutes Later_

"Fluffy 47, Fluffy 48, Fluffy 49, and Dr. **Michael** Jones Master of the Fluffykins."

"Em, are you sure you didn't take any of Carlisle's drugs?"

"Absolutely positive."

I looked at the clock again, "Damn, it's almost 6. Everyone else is gonna be home soon! We have to get rid of these!"

There were huge waves of sadness coming off of Emmett, and I could tell that if he were human he would have been crying.

"Come on, Em."

_15 Minutes Later_

"There, they're all gone," I said happily as we had finished getting rid of all of the vampire rabbits and vampire chinchilla.

"Jasper, do you realize we just released a bunch of blood thirsty fuzzy animals into the forest."

. . .

Oh shit…

Just as I was about to race off into the woods to capture the creatures when the rest of our family returned home.

Carlisle was the first to speak, "You guys didn't get into my meds again, right?"

"No drugs this time, Daddy C," Emmett replied and I sighed.

"So what did you boys do this time?" Esme asked.

I looked at Emmett nervously, not knowing what to say. But what did it matter? Edward was here. _Just read my damn mind, Edward. Emmett turned a bunch of rabbits and a chinchilla into vampires. And we set them loose in the forest._

"Already knew that, Jasper," my mind-reading brother replied and I lifted my eyebrow in confusion.

I looked over to Alice, "I saw his plan but there wasn't enough time to stop you guys from setting them free. I also saw some plan involving you burning Emmett and throwing his ashes in the river and a cheap cruise ship in Austria."

"Actually it was Australia," I mumbled.

Rosalie had an angry look on her face, though she was feeling amused, "And why were you going to do that to my husband?"

"Because he painted my Ducati neon pink and decorated it with sparkly stickers of unicorns and rainbows!"

Emmett looked at me strangely, "Dude, I didn't do that! Why would I waste my awesomely amazing stickers on you?!"

I looked over to Alice who was sending off waves of sadness. "What is it, Alice?"

"I'm the one who redid your motorcycle! I thought you'd like it!" Her face fell and it looked as if she were going to cry.

I walked over to her and hugged her, "I'm sorry, sweetie, I didn't know. I love it."

She sniffled, "Okay."

Suddenly Edward disappeared from the room and we all followed him outside. Laying at the edge of the woods was a dead Bella, and on top of her was a chinchilla with blood running down its face.

"**Jackie** killed Bella!" Emmett yelled proudly.

Everyone cheered and we all returned home, gladly not arrested this time.

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**I Hope You Guys Liked This Chapter as Much as the 1st One!  
Whoever Reviews or Favorites or Whatever Gets Their Name Mentioned in the Story :D  
So Once Again Please Review!  
Byeeeeeee  
~April (Her Friend Jackie Says Hi)**

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	3. Fun at the Mall Part 1

**Holy Shiznat This Chapter Took Freaking FOREVER!  
And I Seriously Apologize For That.  
The Only Reason I Was Able to Get the 1st 2 Up so Quickly Was Because I Was on Spring Break.  
And This Past Week I Had to Go Back to School so I've Been Really Busy.  
I Actually Did Write More to This Chapter But I Felt it Was Way Too Long so I'll Be Seperating This Into Several Parts.  
Sorry, Jackie :( Our Parts Will Be Next Chapter. But Hey it'll Be Chapter 4 Which is My Lucky Number!  
This Chapter is Dedicated to Joy & Katie :D I Hope You Guys Like it!  
I'm Going to Be Putting the Rest of the "Online Crew" as I Like to Call it in the Next Chapters.  
Alright, so I Think This Author's Note is Long Enough so Let's Get to the Story!**

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"Oh god, please no," I begged as I realized what was going on.

"What's the matter, Jasper?" Alice asked, walking over to me.

"You guys are going hunting again and leaving Emmett and I home alone together."

Rosalie shrugged, "I don't see what the big deal is."

"Big deal!? Do all of you have memory loss!? No offence, Alice, but seriously! The last two times we were left here Emmett got drugged up, forced us to cross dress, we got arrested, and then Emmett created a huge army of vampire rabbits and vampire chinchilla! And you still want to subject me to being the one to have to deal with this?"

"Yup! Bye!" the whole family called as they rushed out the door.

I sighed, and plopped myself on the couch annoyed. Why was I so unloved? Was there no love in the world for the lowly, curly blonde haired vampire, with tons of battle scars, and great great muscles… Stop it, Jasper, stop it! You have to stop thinking of yourself that way! Even if you do have one of the best sculpted bodies. . . Thank god Edward's not home.

Suddenly, Emmett came flying down the stairs and jumped into my lap yelling, "Hey, Jazzy-kins!"

"What the hell, Emmett? Get off!" I yelled pushing him off of me.

When he crashed onto the floor he looked at me, "Where's everyone else?"

"Playing spider-man," **(A/N: 10 Points of Epicness if You Get That Reference) **I answered but Emmett looked at me like _I_ was the idiot. Yeah, only on opposite day, Em.

"Do I even wanna know, Jasper?" I shook my head no; Rosalie had never gone through the musical phase like Alice had. He shrugged, "So, really where is everyone?"

"Out hunting. Without us. Again," I said between gritting teeth.

Emmett squealed and jumped up, "Yay, more bonding!"

"No!" I yelled immediately.

He sniffled, "No more bondage?"

I shivered, "God, Em, do you know how sexual that seemed?"

He winked at me, "Yes, I know," before sending me some very disturbing emotions.

"Stop it!"

"Then can we go out and do something fun this time pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease."

"If you promise to stop feeling that way for me, fine."

"Yes!" he shouted jumping in the air in joy before dragging me outside and throwing me in the Jeep before speeding off. Why do I let myself get involved in these things? Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a puppet or something being manipulated by some very twisted teenage girl. . . But that's not possible, I'm just imagining things… Oh god, what's happened to my life?

Soon we drove up to the one place I only allowed myself to go with Alice: the mall.

"Emmett, I am **not **going in there you hear me?"

"Oh, I hear you loud and clear Jazzy-kins," he said sending more waves of lust at me.

I growled, "Screw you, Emmett."

"You know you wanna, Jasper. Now let's go!" I sighed, stuffing my hands in my pockets as we approached the building.

I tried putting off this whole "Bad Ass" vibe to tell people to stay away from me and I think it was working pretty well. That is until Emmett pulled me into a place I never wanted to go again.

"Oh no. Em, I swear I will do anything you want! Just don't take me into that place!"

The smirk on his face only grew, "No way, Jazz, I've wanted to go in here forever and Rosie never let me!"

I tried to get away but Emmett had an iron grip on me. As we entered the Build-A-Bear Workshop, I immediately felt all the children's eyes stare at me. Great, we had walked in during a birthday party. Things were just getting better and better.

I stood staring at the floor while I could tell Emmett was looking around the store excitedly. Someone who was very happy, but nervous at the same time approached us.

She smiled at Emmett and say, "Hi, what's your name?"

"Cullen. Emmett, Cullen," he responded like James Bond and I rolled my eyes. I decided to tune the rest of their conversation out by looking at the array of animals.

Well, my plan worked until I heard him scream, "OH MY GOD YOUR NAME IS **KATIE** **BEAR** HOW AWESOME IS THAT I LOVE BEARS!"

"Well, actually," the girl started but was drowned out by Emmett's squeeling.

"Emmett, will you just shut up!" I finally yelled and thankfully he listened.

But that next second another girl showed up. She stood right next to **Katie** and said, "Hi, I'm **Joy**."

Emmett turned to me and I knew exactly what he was going to say. "Don't even," I threatened.

"Ah, so your name is Joy. Jasper can so totally feel you."

"In what ways?" she asked winking, revealing her colorful eye shadow.

Emmett winked back, "Oh, both." Before he could even continue speaking I dragged him away but he started thrashing, "Let me go, Jazz! I wanna make something in here!"

I sighed and released him, but he quickly grabbed my hand and announced that I also had to make something. Great... I guess I could always just give it to Alice. Now what kind of animal to make... I looked around the store noticing that there were many different creatures like bears, and lions, and giraffes. Dang, I don't know which one to get. Well let's just leave it up to fate. I walked back and forth between the rows with my eyes closed and suddenly stopped and put my hand in. I lifted up the chosen one.

"Nice unicorn," Emmett giggled and I looked down, realizing that I had in fact chosen a giant white and sparkly unicorn.

"Shut up," I growled looking down at the creature. Alice seems like the kind of girl who'd appreciate a unicorn. Good thing, because there was no way I was going up against fate. "So how do we do this?" I asked aloud.

The girl from earlier started to approach me. I remembered that she was Joy, and when I turned my head I noticed that the other girl Katie was helping Emmett.

"I could show you how to make that unicorn, Jasper," she said, and I tried to not focus on her feelings.

Being the Southern Gentleman that I am, I couldn't refuse her help. "Thank you, that's very kind."

"No problem," she responded smiling and started walking towards a giant machine filled with white stuff.

Don't think your dirty thoughts, Jasper. Just make the damn unicorn and get the hell out of here. I managed a shy smile as I turned to Joy, "So, how does this work?"

"Well first we have to find the hole." Dirty thoughts. "Then you stick it on here," she said as she inserted the long silver rod into the unicorn's hole. Even dirtier thoughts. "And then you turn the machine on and move it back and forth to get all the fluff in!" She started demonstrating and I was so grateful that vampires couldn't blush. What was it with this place? How was this meant for children?! Everything was so freaking sexual! I had to look away from the 'pumping' and when I did I saw Katie doing the same thing, and Emmett trying to suppress giggles.

Soon the roaring of the machine stopped and Joy sat up and I reached out to take the animal from her but she held onto it. I rose an eyebrow in confusion. "First, you have to put a heart in it," she explained. I picked up the heart and was about to place it in, but she pushed my hand away. "You have to put love into the heart."

I resisted the urge to just laugh at how stupid that sounded. "And how do I exactly do that?"

"You have to kiss it, make a wish, and then you place it in." I followed her instructions, not focusing on the no doubt 20 something children's eyes on me as I looked like a complete idiot and quickly grabbed the unicorn from her.

I sighed and moved on, grabbing Emmett, and dragging him along so we could finally just finish in here and GTFO. But, of course things couldn't be that simple.

After we finished "cleaning" the animals Emmett decided that his bear just HAD to have an outfit. Frankly, that scared me a bit. I might as well get an outfit for the unicorn too, otherwise Alice'll freak. We walked over the rack of clothes and started browsing the collection. I decided on something simple, a pink dress for a unicorn should be fine enough. Emmett on the other hand decided to go a little overboard. He gave his bear a tight neon green sequined wife-beater shirt with just a pair of red polka dotted boxers on the bottom. See what I mean about this place not being appropriate for children!?

I was finally able to drag him away from the clothes selection after he grabbed a pair of hipster shades and we headed over towards the computer. Because apparently we had to officially name these things. What was the person who came up with this place smoking!? Honestly. Emmett high on Carlisle's drugs probably wouldn't think of something as demented as this. Actually... Let's not even go there.

Now what's a good name for a unicorn... Hmm... I could just go with the generic Bob. Why does everyone name everything Bob anyway? I mean, seriously, when was the last time you saw someone named Bob? Well unicorns have horns right? So, I'll just name it Horny. I turned to Emmett, "So what did you name your bear?"  
He smiled proudly at me, "Flamboyant Fabiano!"

I sighed and shook my head, "Wow, just wow."

He scoffed and we got our certificates and started walking out. "So, what did you name your unicorn then, Mr. Emmett's bear has a faggy name."

"Horny," I replied and he burst out into hysterics. I looked at him confused, "What!?"

"Nothing, Jazz, nothing at all." I decided to just ignore his immature comment. We started walking around the mall and went to what Emmett liked to call "Escalator Land". We were at the other end of the mall when I saw a store that was completely black. I was about to just walk on by but Emmett seemed compelled by its "evilness". He stopped and was staring so I had no other choice but to stop too.

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**Ooooo Look at This I Actually Did a Little Cliff-Hanger!  
I Already Have Some of the Next Chapter Written But it Might Take a While Because I've Gotten Some Writer's Block Considering it Just Got a Little Too Awkward (Your Fault Jackie)  
But I'll Try & Get it Posted Quicker Than This One!  
Like Always Please Rate & Review! They Always Make My Day :D  
And I Actually Read This One Over & Edited it Before Posting Unlike the Other Ones!  
Sorry About Previous Mistakes, That's What Happens When I'm Rushed & Under Pressure!  
Alright Bye!!!!  
~April**


	4. Fun at the Mall Part 2

**Hey Guys! Long Time no See!  
I'm so Sorry This Chapter Took so Long!  
I Really Really Wanted to Get This Posted Last Week But I Got a Bad Case of Writer's Block.  
This Chapter Just Got Too Awkward it Pained Me to Think of What to Write Next.  
So, I'm Not Too Proud of This Chapter But I Hope You All Enjoy it!  
I Appear in This Chapter, So Does My Friend Jackie, and My Online Friends Kaity & Michael. The Reason I Couldn't Write is Because I Felt Awkward About Writing About Us & Having Them All Read What I Wrote About Them. So, I Apologize Now to You Guys if You Don't Like How I Portrayed You, it Was Really Hard.  
Warning: Like I Said I'm in This Chapter. BUT I Do Not Really Act the Way I Do in This. I am Not That Insane (Though, I Will Admit I Probably Am Insane). I Would Never Just Go Up to Someone Like That, I'm Too Much a Chicken. And I Especially Would Not Act Like a Total Whore. I'm Too Freaking Shy to Do Anything Near That. I Only Had Myself Act Like That For the Fun of the Story.  
This is Definitely the Longest Chapter Yet! It Was Exactly 7 Pages When I Wrote it!  
This Chapter is Dedicated to Kaity & Michael: Thanks For Reading My Story Since the Beginning & I Hope You Like This :D  
And OMG I GOT 20 REVIEWS THANK YOU GUYS SO SO MUCH 8D  
Disclaimer: I Don't Own Jasper or Emmett, or the Stores Mentioned in This. I Do However Own Myself. And I so Own Jackie ;D**_

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_**Last Time on "Adventures in Jasper & Emmett Land: Fun at the Mall Part 1"**  
We started walking around the mall and went to what Emmett liked to call "Escalator Land". We were at the other end of the mall when I saw a store that was completely black. I was about to just walk on by but Emmett seemed compelled by its "evilness". He stopped and was staring so I had no other choice but to stop too._

That was when I noticed there was a girl standing outside the store. Her pink outfit was a complete contrast to the darkness behind her but her brown hair almost blended in. Her eyes were wide and I felt several different emotions: shock, surprise, nervousness, and something else I didn't want to name.

I wanted so desperately to just turn around and run but I couldn't just leave Emmett standing here with that girl. She turned around and her yell almost burst my eardrums, "**JACKIE** HOLY CRAP GET OUT HERE!"

Seconds later another girl came out of the store. She was wearing a black t-shirt and seemed like the complete opposite of the other girl. She went right up to the other girl's ear and screamed, "WHAT DO YOU WANT **APRIL**!?"

The brown haired girl, April, just covered her mouth with her hand and pointed wildly at us with the other. The blonde girl, Jackie, turned annoyed, probably wondering what the hell her insane friend was going on about. When she saw us her mouth dropped and she quickly covered her mouth trying to suppress squeals.

The first girl ran up to us, well me, and started bouncing up and down excitedly. "Holy freaking god! Is your name Jasper!?"

Shit. Did I have a stalker? An insane, teenage, preppy, stalker! "Um, yes," I managed trying to be polite.

She squealed again and offered her hand to me, "I'm April! Hi!" I shook her hand and she went over to Emmett and did the same thing. Thankfully, she didn't notice our cold hands.

The other girl walked up behind her and said, "You backstabbing hoe bag, slut banger." She lifted her hand up and waved timidly, "I'm Jackie."

Emmett grinned big, "I'm Emmett."

"I know," she replied. Damn, he had a stalker too. I wonder which was more insane. I'd place my bets on the pink girl. "We walked by and heard you guys at Build-A-Bear," she continued.

April leaned closer to me and asked in a seductive tone, well at least as seductive as a 14-year-old could manage, "How'd you like your unicorn, Jasper?" She did some strange thing with her tongue and then added, "I could give you another unicorn. If you like." She winked, but it just looked like she had something in her eye.

It took all of my self control to not run away. This was seriously pathetic. Here I was covered in freaking battle scars from dealing with tons of vicious New Born vampires, and having been a Major in the army, and this crazy teenager was frightening me.

Jackie was just listening while Emmett rambled on about random things, while April was just... being her.

Finally, Emmett pulled out Flamboyant Fabiano and Jackie's eyes widened, "What's that?"

My brother smiled wide again, happy that someone seemed to appreciate his bear. "This is Flamboyant Fabiano."

Jackie got very excited and nearly screamed, "That is such a freaking awesome name!"

"I know! But _he_ doesn't think so," Emmett responded nodding to me. Jackie threw me a disgusted, annoyed look, and rolled her eyes.

April seemed to have calmed down because she said, "Sorry about that, minor freak out."

Jackie snorted, "Yeah, minor." I guess that was a normal thing for them.

"Hey, do you guys know where Sears is?" Emmett asked them. I tried not to groan, he wanted to play with the power tools.

"Yes," they replied in sync, a little too quickly, "We'll show you."

Jackie then added, "And so you don't get lost on the way, you better take our hands." Before either of us had a chance to respond April and Jackie grabbed our hands and started leading us down the row.

April and I were walking silently while Jackie and Emmett were laughing about something. I guess maybe I should talk to her.

"So... What's your favorite color?" Smart, Jasper, smart. She was freaking glowing pink.

"Magenta," she responded and I just nodded not knowing what the hell magenta was. "It's a shade of pink," she clarified. April kinda reminded me of Alice. Strange.

"You remind me a lot of my girlfri-" Shit, Jasper, don't do that to the poor girl. Her face fell as she realized what I was about to say. "Well, she's not my girlfriend anymore," she's kinda my wife... But hey, who needs specifics?

She just nodded and I sorta felt guilty, though I didn't know why. "Um, would you like this?" I asked quietly, pulling out the unicorn.

Her eyes widened, "Really?" I nodded and handed her Horny and she squealed. At least it was easy to make her happy.

"So what's its name?" she questioned looking him over.

"Horny," I replied and she burst out laughing like Emmett had done earlier. But unlike Emmett I had a feeling I could get an answer out of her, "What's so funny about that?"

She tried speaking through her giggles, "I'm not falling for that. I've already explained Blow Jobs and Jizz and that thing that starts with an O to Jackie even though she knew, so don't think I'm falling for it."

I sighed. There had to be a way to figure this out. Realizing my plan I leaned down and put on a begging face, "Please." Instantly I could tell my plan had worked because she leaned to my ear and whispered the answer. My eyes quickly widened and I pulled back, "I really did not realize that."

She giggled once again and smiled, "Thanks though." I couldn't help but smile in return. But suddenly her emotions turned sad, even though the look on her face remained the same. I looked at her in confusion, "What's wrong?"

"What?" April responded, probably wondering how I knew something was wrong, "Nothing's wrong, it's just that we're at Sears."

I nodded. Well, that made sense. I guess I shouldn't have judged her so quickly, she was a nice girl. "Thank you for showing us the way."

"No problem," she answered, offering her hand to me. I decided to be nice and give her a little treat. I have April a quick hug before pulling Emmett away from his bear hug with Jackie.

We waved politely at them before hurrying off into the store, trying to get out of range before they both burst into extremely high pitched giggles.

I turned to Emmett when we were a safe distance away and said, "You looked like such a pedophile! You were like holding a 12-year-old in a tight grip!" Then I had a realization. "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE PEDO BEAR! THIS ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!"

He tried to glare at me, "Well, she didn't look very 12-ish. Besides, you're one to talk. You did the same thing."

"Yeah, but she was like, 14."

He scoffed, "Big difference." I rolled my eyes and we continued to walk in silence, which was strange considering this was Emmett. The guy who couldn't stay quiet for more than 10 seconds unless there was a bet placed on it. So, this could only mean one thing. Emmett was plotting. I shivered at the thought.

Soon we had arrived at the power tools section and I groaned. Of course, he wasn't kidding about that. Because everything just had to be working against me didn't it? He ran excitedly towards the huge stock and I stalked behind him, feeling like a protectful mother hen. Yeah, I decided that even trying to be normal or retaining any piece of sanity at this point was impossible.

Emmett gripped a large tool that had something very long protruding from it. Alright, there was something extremely wrong with that sentence. He flipped the switch and the device whirled to life. I immediately grabbed it from him and turned it off. He responded with a puppy dog face.

Then he turned and starting running around the store. Thankfully, he wasn't that stupid, and was only running at a human speed. I immediately started chasing him, annoyed that we were going through this again.

He suddenly stopped in front of a door and I almost crashed into him. "Emmett?" I started to ask but then the emotions coming from behind the door crashed into me and I stepped back. There were huge amounts of lust and I was disgusted at how something like this could be going on in a place like Sears. "Don't you dare open that door!" I said, but of course, telling Emmett not to do anything was like the big red button that said DO NOT PUSH.

The door swung open to reveal a girl and a guy doing well... Just imagine what would be going on in a dark room, with those kinds of feelings flowing out, in Sears. You all should have dirty enough minds to figure it out.

"Oh, **Kaity**!" an extremely deep voice called out.

"**Michael!**" the girl, Kaity, responded before turning to see Emmett and I at the door. She immediately blushed **(A/N: Sorry, Kaity, Had to Do it) **and yelled, "Get out of our back room!"

"What if they want to join?" Michael asked, and I couldn't tell if he was really serious or not.

"Hell yeah," Emmett responded and started to walk in but I pulled him back.

"Um, we're going to have to decline," I said starting to walk away. But, the two started to follow us and I groaned. I desperately wanted to move faster but we were already going pretty fast for humans. Yet, somehow Kaity and Michael were able to keep up with us.

"Come on, you know you want to!" the guy called out again.

The girl abruptly stopped, "Can't we just go back now?"

He stopped too, "No!"

"Fine then! No more back room for you!"

"What!? Noooooo!" Michael cried almost falling to the ground. Emmett and I had stopped running, and watched their "Lover's Spat" I guess you could call it.

"Yeah, that's right!" Kaity responded, her voice growing louder, "You only love me for the back room, don't you!?"

He sniffled, "No! Not just that! It's your hair too!"

"That's it!" she yelled back and started to walk away angrily. I decided to help her out and calmed her down a little. Emmett and I started to walk away discreetly and luckily this time we were able to get away.

When we were a safe distance away Emmett pouted at me, "You're no fun, Jasper."

"No, you're just an idiot," I retaliated.

He put on an offended face. "That hurts me, Jazzy-kins. Way down deep inside I am deeply hurt. It's like you've pierced me with a golden dagger, right through my heart. Right there," he whined pointing to his chest, "Do you see it?! Do you see where you've hurt me so!? No, you don't! Because you never pay attention, Jasper! You never do!" I stood there, my eyes wide, as people were staring at us, probably thinking we were a gay couple with relationship problems.

"Emmett, you can be quiet now," I said out of the corner of my mouth.

"Maybe I don't want to be! Can't I make my own decisions for once!?"

I sighed, I've been doing that a lot today too haven't I, and suddenly a light bulb went off in my head. "Emmett, I don't think you're setting a good example for Flamboyant Fabiano."

He instantly perked up, "You're right!" He pulled out the bear and squeezed it tightly, "I'm sorry Flamboyant Fabiano! I'm so sorry!"

"It's alright, Em. Let's just get out of here, alright?" He nodded and we started walking out of Sears. Luckily Sears was right next to the Food Court which was right in front of the exit so we were almost home-free.

Emmett was holding his bear up proudly, "You know I've given him a new name."

I raised an eyebrow at him, "I thought you liked Flamboyant Fabiano."  
"I do! But, now he's Fantastically Fun Fabulous-o Flamboyant Fabiano! See! It all starts with _F_ how cool is that!?"

Suddenly, I heard squeals in different ranges and excitement coming from a large group of people not too far away. It didn't take long to figure out what that meant. I instantly groaned, "Well, right now I can think of another word that starts with _F_."

As soon as I said these words the giant group approached us. **April, Jackie, Kaity, Michael, Joy, **and** Katie,** surrounded us. The all started talking excitedly and at their high volumes and pitches my ears felt like they would burst.

And, then someone else appeared. Bella. I growled as soon as I saw her walking in our direction. In an instant our stalker group turned their heads and glared at the approaching girl. I smiled, having a feeling of what they were going to do when she reached us.

Bella didn't even have a chance to speak a word when she reached her destination. All 6 of our stalkers had basically run her down while shouting out insults. The whole thing was amazingly amusing and funny. I turned to see Emmett recording it with his phone. Smart move, Emmett, smart move.

We were still standing there, enjoying the Bella slaughter when I could hear security guards running towards us. I wanted to just grab Emmett and run, but I couldn't leave our 6 stalkers/saviors to face the Mall Cops.

I told Emmett and we quickly pulled them off of Bella and ordered them to either run or stand there and look innocent. They all choose the first option and scattered. We also took off running towards the exit, not wanting to get arrested again, and thankfully made it outside and jumped in the Jeep.

While Emmett was driving well over the speed limit he turned his head to me and said, "You have to admit, that was freaking awesome."  
"Yeah, our adventure at the mall was pretty great... We didn't end up in jail so that's always a plus."

He grinned, "Then you're going to love what I have planned for next week." Oh no.

* * *

**Alright, so That's the End of Chapter 4 & the End of "Fun at the Mall"!  
Like I Said Earlier I'm Not Too Proud About This Chapter.  
Next Time I'll Write so I Don't Feel Awkward.  
Like Always Please Review!  
I Love Reading Reviews, They Make Me so Happy. I Love Seeing What People Think of My Story.  
I ALWAYS Reply to Reviews. And if You Review I Will Put You in the Story!  
For Those Who've Reviewed & Haven't Been Put in Yet You'll Be in Next Chapter. I Just Wanted to Get My Online Friends in the Story First.  
So Yeah, Review, Favorite, Alert, Whatever the Heck You Want, Everything Makes Me Happy :D  
Oh & Please Review or PM Me What You Want Jasper & Emmett's Next Adventure to Be!  
I Have Some Ideas But I'd Love to Write Something I Know You Guys Want.  
Bye!  
~April**


	5. AN: SpinOff Story

Hey Guys!  
Obviously I Didn't Post a New Chapter Last Week and I'm Really Sorry About That.  
But I Have Some News That Might Make Things a Little Better!  
I've Decided to Make a Spin Off Story of _Adventures in Jasper & Emmett Land_!  
Because I Have Some Ideas That Just Won't Really Work in This Story.  
So the Spin Off Will Be Called _Odd Jobs With Jasper & Emmett_.  
It'll Be About Jasper & Emmett Going to Different Places & Doing Different Jobs, Filled With the Same Randomness, Strange Humor, & Insanity Found Here!  
I'm Going to Try & Post the 1st Chapter of That so Please **Please** PLEASE Go Read it & Tell Me What You Think :D  
So if That Works Out My Plan Will Be to Try & Post a Chapter of This 1 Week & a Chapter of That the Next!  
I Have About a Month of School Left so Once That's Over I'll Really Be Able to Post!  
Happy Memorial Day!  
Bye!!  
~April


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